Navigating the Storm: Triumph Over Stress, Burnout, and the Echoes of Trauma

When stress and burnout weave their way into our lives, it can feel like being caught in a relentless storm. But imagine having a map to navigate through that storm, crafted by someone who's not only weathered it herself but also helped countless others find their way to calmer waters. That's what you'll get with guest Lolita Guarin, a stress management coach and best-selling author, as she joins me to share her transformative journey and strategies to conquer workplace stress and personal burnout.

We tackle the often-overlooked roots of our daily pressures – the childhood experiences that shape our adult lives. Lolita opens up about her own past, exploring how memories, like echoes of old songs, influence our relentless pursuit of achievement. It's a candid discussion touching on self-abandonment and how the neglect of self-care covertly creeps into burnout. Her stories resonate with truth and offer a compelling look at the importance of recognizing our accomplishments, setting boundaries, and making self-care a non-negotiable part of our lives.

In our heart-to-heart exchange, Lolita's powerful narratives become a beam of hope for anyone struggling with the generational inheritance of trauma and the quest for authentic self-love. We traverse the landscape of managing stress and building resilience, pulling insights from Lolita's practical strategies and rich personal anecdotes. Her wisdom doesn’t just help us manage stress – it guides us towards deeper connections with ourselves and others, emphasizing the strength found in vulnerability. So, prepare to be inspired as we stitch together a tapestry of triumph over adversity.

Enjoy!

Connect with Lolita at https://www.beamazingyou.com

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:10

Welcome to Tailoring Talk. I'm Roberto Ravilla, Bespoke Tailor and owner of Roberto Ravilla London Suit Shirt and Shoemakers. I weave superpowers into every stitch. Join me and we will meet self-starters and creators, diving into their journeys and uncovering valuable lessons to help you be the very best you can be. Hit, subscribe, leave me a rating and let's tailor greatness together. Today, we are focusing on anxiety, stress and burnout with the founder of Be Amazing you, A best-selling author and stress management coach. She suffered extreme burnout while pursuing her American dream, which forced her to re-evaluate her lifestyle and undergo major change connecting her father's alcoholism as having a profound impact on her stress management strategies compared with people from more stable backgrounds. Here to share her story and take us beyond burnout with some practical strategies for managing workplace stress and taking care of ourselves. Tailoring Talkers, please welcome Lolita Guarin to the show. Lolita, how are you?

Speaker 2: 1:21

I am so happy to be here and so honored.

Speaker 1: 1:27

Oh, thank you, I'm honored. Did I pronounce your surname correctly?

Speaker 2: 1:30

Oh my gosh, yes, it takes a while for people to pronounce my name, but definitely you did a good job. And those who are listening in and they're like, oh, lolita Gorin, so that's very Spanish. No, I have nothing to do with Spanish language. It just happens to be that I have a name like this. I'm actually from Lithuania and I came to US 24 years ago. My grandmother gave me the name Lolita after Lolita Torres, because she wanted her first grandchild to be somebody named after some actress. And then I married a Spanish speaker, so then I got a gore in, but my maiden name is Shesnavichute. So for those who want to repeat 15 times, that sounds a little bit more Lithuanian.

Speaker 1: 2:14

Yeah, exactly, that's amazing. So you went from Lithuania to the United States, and where in the United States are you based?

Speaker 2: 2:22

uh, in Houston I came to US as an au pair, as a nanny, and you know, people ask me why did you choose Houston? And I'm like well, I think Houston chose me. I came here and then my parents won a green card lottery yeah, that thing still exists. And since I was here in Houston, they came here too and I lived here for 24 years now yeah, wow and um.

Speaker 1: 2:47

I have to mention, because obviously you know what I do for a living, my day job I absolutely love your blouse, the blue and white stripes, the white contrasting white coloring cuff. I'm trying to bring that back with my clients but they are very you know, they're very resistant to it. You know, I think that look just looks so great. Whether you're male or female doesn't matter, I just I just think it's so cool because it's so intentional as well. So thank you for bringing some flair to the show today.

Speaker 2: 3:24

Well, thank you for compliments.

Speaker 1: 3:26

Now you've given us a little bit of your story of how you got to the United States. Before we obviously get into the kind of practical part of this chat, I wanted to kind of dive more into your story and the experience you had that led you to such a to making such big changes in your life. Um, because I not the same, quite the same as you. My parents, uh, you know, were not affected by alcoholism, um, but they were disciplinarians, and so a lot of my childhood was spent at home living in fear. I didn't want to be at home because anything I did that was slightly wrong.

Speaker 1: 4:12

I mean, you know, nowadays you would look at a child, you know, dropping something or breaking a plate or something like that, and it's like it's no big deal. You know, these are things that can be replaced. It's like it's no big deal. You know these are things that can be replaced. It's like so what?

Speaker 1: 4:25

But particularly to my father, it was like it was an end of it, was like a world ending situation, and then he would take everything out on me physically, and I don't know if that came from his father, because his father was in the Pakistani military and they moved around a lot all over the world. So my father I don't know because he never talks about it, but I've heard some stories from my mother that he moved around a lot, so he was like an army kid and I would guess that my grandfather was probably a big disciplinarian, which which is why my father that was the way that he knew how to discipline me and I think in a lot of my interactions as an adult and certainly when I look back at certain situations growing up, that it definitely has impacted the way that I react and deal with stressful situations and you obviously came to that realization through that as well. But I did warn you that my questions take a very long time to come out.

Speaker 2: 5:38

But you know, just kind of take me back, if you will to to, you know, to what you experienced so when I came to us, um, I knew that if I will work hard and I take over uh projects, you know how they say if you want to make more money, you need to have more responsibilities. And I was taking on a lot. But I also ended up, you know, working overtime, even on the weekends, because I was afraid to say no. No, I was an immigrant, and it doesn't matter if you're an immigrant or not. Like you just described about yourself, if you grew up in an environment that your needs really don't matter and you've been told what to think, what to say, what to feel, you've been told what to think, what to say, what to feel, and even you are afraid to feel. Even give yourself permission to ask yourself who are you and what is it that you want?

Speaker 2: 6:33

You will be a people pleaser, and so in the workplace, I was taking on other people's jobs, just because where somebody says, hey, you know I'm going on vacation, can you take this? You know this powerpoint verification, do for me. And I will be like, yeah, sure, I'll do that for you, even though I know I don't have time to do this. And so, no boundaries, obviously. Um, nobody told me what boundaries are, uh, in my family everybody will be um extra emotional and over the top and everything is big deal. You know as you can relate. Yeah, and there was no space even for me, uh, just say I'm gonna close the room and everything is big deal.

Speaker 2: 7:05

You know as you can relate, and there was no space even for me to say I'm gonna close the room and I'm gonna do whatever and be by myself. There was no such thing. Everything is so involved. There is no boundaries at all, and obviously in the workplace it was the same thing to me, more than that. I really didn't know how to handle my emotions and nobody told me. Like majority of us, nobody teaches you what to do with emotions, and it's such a bad thing if you feel angry, for example. Oh, don't you dare to be angry because this looks bad, and so you're basically abandoning yourself all over again.

Speaker 2: 7:40

And so what came to burnout is that I didn't have enough time for myself at all. I didn't do any exercises you know what comes to like a normal taking care of your body and your mental state. I had no time for that. But when I made myself to the point that it really impacted my body and I was in my 30s and I thought, oh, I just can conquer the world and I'm in my 30s, I should be all healthy all the time and that impacted my body so much, that impacted my hormones and any women listening to this podcast know what it means. Women and hormones are very important and that's how I end up in the emergency room. Basically, that was a wake-up call for me to think OK, I really need to pay attention, what am I doing? And I thought I don't want to take any pills on none of that, because when you look at nature, nature also has plenty of stress. But the nature knows how to handle that and I didn't. So I started doing those what they call stress management staples. Like you have your time management, you know you're learning to say a little bit of no and here and there, and I and it helped me a lot and do like meditation and yoga and all the things and journaling, and you know those are the staples of stress management. But what I? I became a stress management coach because I just loved sharing my message with everyone.

Speaker 2: 9:08

And what really hit home is when I was reading this book about how to get more clients and the author of the book mentioned that she was an adult child of alcoholic and I never heard of that before and you know, my dad was an alcoholic and I was like whoa. Here I am in like mid thirties and I never even heard about this thing. And then I started reading. What does it really mean? And I realized that, oh, okay, that's why I'm so stressed out, my anxiety and my hypervigilance. It is my normal state of mind. Anxiety and my hypervigilance it is my normal state of mind. I am already burned out. That's my normal. It's how I operate because it came from this environment where I've been trained to constantly be on alert, like I was afraid to go home after school because I had no idea what state my dad will be.

Speaker 2: 10:00

But you know, for those listening in right now, they're thinking oh, you know what, I don't need to listen for the rest of the podcast because you know, guess what, I have no addiction in my family. So, ta-da like no, the majority of us didn't get the needs met, because the kid always needs to be obviously fed and have sleep and all that. But emotional needs are very important. The child needs to feel safe in their environment to grow up as, like, very functioning adults. And you can have.

Speaker 2: 10:28

You know, like you mentioned about yourself, it was scary situation because you even don't allow yourself to become who you are. You're afraid to even identify yourself to yourself. You're even afraid to look at yourself, because every time when you do something it has to do with you, you get punished for that. So that's what we're dealing with. We're dealing when we children like this, we grow up into adults, that nobody tell us how we need to. Uh, just take care of yourself. Um, and we, such a herd animals we belong to, we need to be in the group. Then what will people please in order to survive? So when I realized that okay, so I am taking this way too seriously, and just by thinking I'm sure all of us have been in a meeting or in a room or party, whatever, and something happens Did you notice how different people act to that? Very differently, because how we're being wired, what patterns do we have, how do we know how to take care of emotions, how to take care of stress management itself and knowing our own bodies and minds?

Speaker 2: 11:34

So when I started dealing I mean coaching my clients they come to me and they say oh, you know what. I'm burned out, I'm stressed out, I cannot do this anymore. I have this family to take care of, I have a business to run to. I just don't know what else to do and I don't have time. On top of that. I always ask them why do you think you cannot give yourself the break? Because they always say I don't even have one minute in the day to do this.

Speaker 2: 12:01

It is really that's the moment for you to ask what environment I grew up with. Because if you were not seen, loved and appreciated for who you are, just for being you, you will become useful, you will become workaholic, you will become somebody that think you know what, if I'm just going to be better, if I'm going to make more money, if I'm going to have a better house, if I'm going to have all those people in my life, you have the rewards. Maybe then I'll be loved, because now I'm worthy of that love. And that's what that really burnout. That has to do in the workplace or in a goal setting or having your own business and all of this. You're just constantly running to the horizon that you will never reach and that's the cause of the burnout. That's the body keeping score and at some point you're going to become physically ill and that's very important to realize where that you're coming from and then you can apply tools.

Speaker 2: 12:56

But here's the funny part is, if you grew up in an environment where your needs were not met and, let's say you were abandoned. Your needs were abandoned. You will abandon yourself as well, because that's the relationship that you'll learn, that's the relationship pattern. So you will not even honor your own needs in order to survive.

Speaker 2: 13:17

So when I started coaching my clients, they say I don't even have one minute. And I say why do you think you don't deserve to take one minute? Because you can have amazing tools in the world. I can tell you right now oh, you need to do this meditation. But if you really don't believe it's going to help you, it's not going to help you. I can give you a whole book written and actually wrote the whole book. It's called Crush Stress While you Work. It's only tips and tricks, how to do it specifically in any situation. You can do it in five minutes really, and it makes a difference. And I have still clients not doing that. It's always like it's not about the tool, it's about are you willing to do it? And if you're not, then ask yourself how is that serving you? Because overall, it's all about survival. It's always serving us.

Speaker 1: 14:15

And I'm sad to say, but we are willing to kill ourselves in order to survive. And that sounds really extreme to some people. Listening to other people, like including myself, they'll be nodding their heads frantically because you know, I guess when you're taking someone who is experiencing burnout, you know there's something really, really important you said there, which is that people who come from abusive backgrounds where you know as a child needs not met, where you know as a child needs not met we are in a constant state of high alert. So when I think about myself as an adult, one thing some people used to describe me I remember at college one of this girl, sabrina. She was staring at me one day I was in this, you know, the common room at college and I was just sat on my own, just slightly off from everybody else, because I could never make myself. Really, I wanted to be part of the group with everyone, but I never felt like I was worth worthy of being part of the group. So I used to just be slightly off observing. And I remember, sabrina, she said she said you said you're like a cat. And I said to her what do you mean? And she said you're exactly like a cat, she said, you never really join in and nobody can really kind of get to you unless it's on your terms. And I'm still like that today. You know I want to be a dog, and once I warm up and I get to know people and there's a level of trust there, then I am more like a dog, but I'm still very, very cat-like in my behavior.

Speaker 1: 16:03

I think my wife would definitely be agreeing if she was here next to me right now, and that's probably why we have two cats and two dogs in the house too, but on a constant state of high alert. So people can approach me to give me a hug, and it could even be my wife, who is my best friend in the whole wide world and a person who does love me unconditionally and I know that she does. But even she will approach me and if I'm not expecting it or prepared for it, I will flinch like I'm being attacked. And that definitely comes from childhood, because I would go home and I'd be in a constant state of high alert because I didn't know if a fist was going to come my way unexpectedly, because it would never be. You know, we need to talk to you about something.

Speaker 1: 16:58

It would be the punch first, and then, at some point down the line, I would discover what it was that I had quote or quote unquote done wrong, and that was really tough. And then what would happen is I would end up not wanting to come home. I would do anything to not be at home. And that leads me to the next point that you made, which was that we will self-harm, we will kill ourselves before we even think about taking care of ourselves or taking a minute for ourselves. Because I didn't want to come home, I would work. When I got my first full-time job, I was only supposed to be working like five days a week, right, 40 hours. I would do 100, 120 hours a week. I would go in when I wasn't even being paid. Like they would say to me you cannot be here, we are not going to pay you overtime. And I was like I don't care, I will work for free, I just need to be here, not there.

Speaker 2: 18:03

Wow, wow you know, I can, um, say two things to that. I, I believe all of us are doing the best we can, even the parents who are, um, harming the children really. And, um, you know, my dad, uh, was an alcoholic, and when I read the book, um, how much damage I'm being, you know, I took out when I was growing up. First of all, I didn't realize that, you know, I there was some damage done being, you know, I took out when I was growing up First of all, I didn't realize that, you know, there was some damage done because we, you know, nobody talks about that, it's shameful and everything is perfect and you're not supposed to tell this to anyone. And I'm only one child, so I had no brothers or sisters and so I really had nobody to talk to about that. And so everything for me, that hostile environment, it was like totally normal, and my mom never had addiction problems and you know, I always had food and what to wear and all of this. I went to school on time and it looked like very, very, very good and functioning family. And so when I realized that there was something oh my gosh, you know that thing happened to me First I immediately thought, oh my gosh, I'm damaged, this is it Like I cannot achieve my goals because who will accept me? And then this, after I got over that and think well, you know, a lot of people have all kinds of stories. I don't think there's one person in the world that says, oh my gosh, I'm so happy from the beginning Because human experience itself it already starts with the trauma when you're being born. Okay, that's already very stressful to begin with, so it's a human condition.

Speaker 2: 19:46

But also I got very angry at my dad and first I got ashamed at myself, like, oh, how dare I to be angry at my dad? You're not supposed to be angry at your parents. You know they are gods, they are the authorities. But then I allow myself to be angry and just to be disappointed and think to myself well, the person who's supposed to be there for me, who's supposed to show me, you know what? What even relationship patterns between men and women like right, because that just messed up the whole understanding how my intimate relationship should look like or any friendship with the opposite sex should look like.

Speaker 2: 20:25

After I got that anger issue, I realized that it goes from generation to generation and nobody teaches our parents how to parent either. And then I start thinking about I remember when my dad will come back home drunk. He will call his parents and I remember over and over him asking them why you don't love me? What did I do wrong? And when it hit me that, oh my gosh is just another you know child that did not get what he needed. And then, when I think about my grandparents, they didn't know how to raise kids right away because, like I come from Europe, from Lithuania, and that's like we're talking World War II, what you know what life looks like when you're in the war zone, talking about stress. So it goes from generation to generation. And so I forgiven my dad and I know he's doing his best and I think addiction is just something, is like a suiting mechanism for somebody to not to feel anymore.

Speaker 2: 21:26

So I always encourage to allow yourself to feel and stop abandoning yourself. And and you, the saying is, everywhere you go, you take yourself, would you? Well, I say, if you abandoning yourself, you're really not taking yourself, would you? Because if you grew up in the environment where your needs were not met, or there's a part of you that, even if you loved, it's being told it's bad for you, don't you dare showing this part, you'll shove it away. So that's me. It's not fully you, it's not 100%. So when somebody tells you I love you, you don't believe them. You're like, no, you don't, because you don't even know me. There's part of me that I shove it away and I'm not showing it to anyone because I'm afraid to even show it to myself, because I know I'm going to get punched if I get that part of myself into the world.

Speaker 2: 22:23

And I think the biggest pandemic these days is really loneliness. You can be in the group of people that even look like friends, but you're even afraid to tell them what happened to you. You're afraid to tell about your dreams because somebody will laugh at you, and then you feel abandoned in the groups of people. But I recommend stop abandoning yourself too, because when you do not pay attention to your needs, you do not honor what you feel. You abandon yourself in that too.

Speaker 2: 22:49

And I know there are plenty of success gurus that say, yes, you just can chant your manifestations and they say you cannot bulldoze yourself into success. And that's why the diets don't work if you don't have a proper set of mind. That's why you will never achieve the goal, no matter how many hard calls you go through, if you believe that you don't deserve it, you will do everything that will prove you right, because mind always wants to be right. That's our survival mechanism. So stop abandoning yourself by doing you know. And somebody says, well, what do you use? That you mean. Stop abandoning yourself.

Speaker 2: 23:29

So, for example, just really tune in your body, Just feel it. How does that feel? Do you feel comfortable? Maybe you have shoes that are too tight. What if they do shoes off? Is it something making you hot or cold? Are you dehydrated? Just take care of your own physical needs.

Speaker 2: 23:44

Then your mind think about okay, am I stressed out? What am I stressed out about? Lots of times we are imposing our self-stress In many situations. Maybe not be that complicated, but we make it like a super big deal. So, any situation you're in, always ask yourself will this matter in five years If it doesn't? Let it? Go and do something that you really like doing it?

Speaker 2: 24:10

And even if, let's say, I had days like that, that I know I need to go to the gym and I don't really feel good that day, I tell myself you know what? I am not going to go to the gym because I am not going to abandon myself, I'm going to honor my needs. And that moment, what happens? You prove it to yourself that you are your best friend. You prove it to yourself that you have grace and you have forgiveness and you can accept the way you are, and then you will build trust in yourself because you know that you're not going to abandon yourself. When you get that trust, then you feel more secure and more safe, then you get more confidence, then you can show up better in the world, and then that's what the true self-love is, what they think.

Speaker 1: 24:51

Yeah, this is not going the way I planned and I, no, no, no, don't apologize, it's fine. Um, I'm going through a thought process here because you're, you've really, really impacted my thinking. Um, I firstly I want to just also, um say that I don't blame my parents, I don't blame my father. There was a period of time I was very angry at him and I did blame him, but you know, with age and maturity you kind of start to sort of think why was? Why did he do that? And he didn't know any different. You know my grandmother.

Speaker 1: 25:36

She died when he was very young and my grandfather remarried and had a whole new family very quickly and left his first set of children behind in Pakistan and came to London and then had a whole new family and my father being the eldest child. He, you know, with barely any money at all, he managed to get himself over here to seek his father out. I don't know what happened exactly, but eventually he met my mother, made a life for himself. He only reconciled with his father when his father said my grandfather died when he was about 72. So the age that my father is right now and that's the other thing as well is that, you know, I kind of almost feel like a bad son because I haven't worked out how to fit my parents back into my life, because we were estranged for a good 12-15 years. My father kind of went through that same sort of thing, but he only reconciled with my grandfather when my grandfather was on his deathbed. But you know also, he must be very aware of his mortality right now because he's the age that my grandfather was at when my grandfather died. But I don't blame him for anything. So anyway, it was important to say that.

Speaker 1: 27:02

Um, you mentioned boundaries and you know, certainly with myself there were no boundaries. You know, when I went into the world of work, no boundaries whatsoever I would just work, work, work, work, work, because I was trying to get away from the other thing. Um, and then that just became a way of being for me. So you know, through every single job that I've had, and then when I started my my own business and launched my own brand 12 years ago, I basically just was going full steam ahead, like I always had done. But when I burnt out and crashed last summer so nearly a year ago now and at the time I thought I'm feeling burnt out, we need to go away. So we went to Cyprus for 10 days and I thought that would fix it, and it obviously didn't. And so I've been feeling the same symptoms ever since and even to this day.

Speaker 1: 28:15

But I've been thinking more and more. I've been trying to tune in to within myself to try and work it out, what it is, because you know, it's not just thoughts of I don't want to work, I'm tired, I don't want to deal with the world, but it's also just things on questioning whether I want to keep living the way I've been living, from a more, a sort of life perspective point of view, if that makes sense. I've been suddenly thinking more, not just all of this paperwork on my desk, but more life in general. And, um, yeah, I don't actually know the point I'm trying to make, but, um, I think definitely what you mentioned about boundaries does come into it, because then I was also thinking, while you were talking, that you know and also maybe some of my listeners are thinking the same thing. It's like, okay, fine, we get it.

Speaker 1: 29:14

If you are someone who grew up with some sort of trauma or deprivation in your childhood, then that has an effect on how you handle stress management and so on. You grew up and maybe you're in a very wealthy family and both your parents were there for you and they wrapped you in cotton wool since day one and always told you how amazing you are and how much you are loved and you never wanted for anything in your life. How you know how do those people get burnt out?

Speaker 2: 29:55

I think we all need to have some sort of conflict in life, some sort of difficulty, otherwise life becomes very boring. And I had clients who have everything that they want, they bought everything that they wanted, they have a happy family and they're totally unhappy and they have no purpose. So just to reflect a little bit of what you said, it's very important to acknowledge how far you went and I always recommend everyone to do the accomplishment list and then look at that list and you know even small things, like you know, getting driver's license, for example, not necessarily needs to be all the rewards in life and just kind of look at that list and and think to yourself wow, you know that that's me. You know giving yourself credit. And if you look at that list and you imagine that that's a friend of yours let's say you reading friends list, what you will think about that person? No, will you be think, think, wow, you know you will. You admire that person. So that's what you need to give it to yourself.

Speaker 2: 31:02

So, um, how to remedy this never-ending running to the horizon of thinking? When I get there, then I'll be happy, then I will feel like I accomplished something, start appreciating things I've already done, and that's what we come to gratitude. But it's not like, okay, well, thank you very much, I have a bed, I have a, I have a shower, thank, come to gratitude. But it's not like, okay, well, thank you very much, I have a bed, I have a, have a shower, thank you very much. But it's it's about like, wow, you know, I've done, I did that. This is awesome, you're giving yourself credit, even getting out of bed when you didn't even feel like you wanted to, just giving yourself, uh, acknowledgements and saying, you know, that is a big deal and it's um, and especially, we always have tendency to look at the bad things. Naturally, that's just, you know, pure survivalist brain. But it's very important to pay attention to the good, those good things too.

Speaker 2: 31:49

So, no matter what you achieve, when you finally fall, you know, like when you eat and eat, and eat, and then you're full, try realizing that you can be full at some point. And you know, when I was working on this stress management book for the workplace, I interviewed over 200 successful entrepreneurs and CEOs of a company, small and big, and those that were the most successful ones, the. There was a common thing that they told me they delegated a lot of things. So first, start appreciating yourself, giving yourself kudos, you know, and appreciating gratitude for what you already accomplished. So you have this feeling of, okay, now I'm full, I ate enough. Um, still next till tomorrow, you know, because tomorrow you're going to eat again.

Speaker 2: 32:41

But also look at that, all the stuff that you're doing, and you ask yourself, okay, this is what my day looks like. Am I doing this because I love doing this or am I doing this because I have to? And then, if there is something that you have to, then you think, okay, can I delegate this to someone? Can you ask somebody to do that for you? And see, is it really important? Because there's so many things that we put on the list to do that maybe not even making a difference at all, but it makes us feel maybe better. Maybe we think like, oh, I'm just so busy, especially with the business owners. There are so many items on the list that really don't make a movement forward at all. So it's very important to see what is your energy going, do you really enjoying it, what you can eliminate it, what you can delegate it. And then you always, always have to pencil yourself in into your schedule. You have to prioritize that.

Speaker 2: 33:38

And when I have clients who come in to me and they say I don't even have you know, for example, simple trick I say every hour on your phone, put an alarm on. When the alarm goes on, stop whatever you're doing. Of course, if you are available, do it. If you're driving, don't do that, but just close your eyes and do nothing at all. Just breathe in deeply, breathe out, disconnect and tell yourself this one minute is for me.

Speaker 2: 34:03

If you're now listening in and you're thinking, oh my gosh, there's no way I'm going to do this, then you need to ask yourself why not? Why you don't love yourself enough to even give yourself one minute. So when I deal with clients who say they cannot even afford that one minute, they say, oh no, you don't understand. I need to take care of my family and my business and all the people who depend on me. I say if you're not going to keep yourself full, there is no way you can give to others. Who's going to take care of those people and your business when you are sick in the hospital? Because that will catch up with you. It will. It's already science proven.

Speaker 2: 34:42

So if you want to help others, start with yourself, if you feel guilty, especially if you came with some childhood trauma and feeling unworthy and like loving yourself is a bad thing because it's oh my God, it's so selfish, oh my gosh, how dare you Then think about it? That it's just a step how we can help others. It's just a step how to help your parents and your children, because if you love energy, if you're stressed out, burnout, you're sick. There's no way you will help the others. So it's like an airplane right you put your mask on first so you can take care of others.

Speaker 1: 35:13

Yeah, absolutely yeah, there's been a lot. Funny enough, just yesterday I was at an event and, um, we were talking about some of this. Um, and I've definitely been talking a lot, not just on the podcast, but with various different clients of mine as well and friends. Um, you know, as you get older, you start to have an appreciation for well, maybe not appreciation you start to worry a little bit about the time in the hourglass not being so much as it was when you were younger. And, um, definitely part of self-care is when you're doing something that you don't like to do, that you hate. Why are you wasting your time and energy doing it? Um, you know, focus on the things that you want to do. And what you were also talking about needle move is I was having a long conversation about that yesterday about you know that that we need to really kind of stop and look at what we're doing in the moment and say to ourselves is what we're doing right now, is that really moving the needle in terms of what we want to do, what we want to achieve, or is it just not really doing anything? In which case, why are we wasting time doing it? But the the other thing I just made a note of was put in block capital letters. Appreciate now, because I don't think it matters who you are, whether you're from a poor background, a rich background, whatever.

Speaker 1: 36:53

We all have some scars as we come through life, because it's the human condition. But then we all have this tendency to look back at what happened. This happened, this happened, this is why I am the way I am, et cetera. So this is why I cannot do certain things, blah, blah, blah, or look forward to the horizon, like you said, like one. You know, you know when this happens, when I achieve this, when we do this, when we get to there, that's when I will. We never actually stop and say where am I right now, in this moment, and actually take time to actually appreciate that moment.

Speaker 1: 37:37

There's one thing I started doing a little while ago because, as I mentioned to you at the beginning, we have two cats and two dogs, and particularly the dogs. The cats will probably live for a very long time, the dogs not so much, unfortunately, and especially now because one's nine, one's going to be 10 years old this year. Their life expectancy for these breeds is like 12 to 14 years. There's not much time left, and so every time when I wake up in the morning, I come down and I do my thing, and then a few minutes later they both get up and they come to find me and the first thing I do is I hug both of them and I say to them I love, you'm so, so glad that we get another day together, because that sets my day up for them being front of my mind and being my focus. And when my wife comes down, or if I don't get to see her because I leave earlier and she gets started a little bit later, you know it's at least making the time to actually message and actually say, hey, I fed them. Blah, blah, blah. I hope you have a great start to your day. And then making sure that we catch up at some point and then making sure we have that quality time together in the evenings as well, and setting those boundaries to protect those things.

Speaker 1: 39:01

You know, I talked to people who, just you know, they work until 12, one o'clock in the morning, two o'clock in the morning, and then they're up again three hours later and it's like when do you get, you know? Or people who travel all the time in different time zones and they're constantly in the air, going all over the globe, but they have families. They are very, very successful. They're constantly in the air, going all over the globe, but they have families. They, they are very, very successful. They're earning a lot of money. I'm sure these are the types of clients that you deal with as well, but they never, ever, see their children. They don't see their wives, and I think to myself what is the point?

Speaker 2: 39:37

and then they're inflicting the trauma to the children because they think I'm going to bring all this money. But that's not what the child needs. That's why children can be very happy and no matter what environment, in the poor environment or rich because the child needs to be seen by their parents. They need to be adored and loved for who they are. But if their parents never there, that that emotional need is not met and that is, you know, a small childhood trauma. But continuously, over every single day, can impact it anyone is listening to the audio?

Speaker 1: 40:09

lolita's just met emily because emily's just been walking around my legs, so I'm not gonna ignore you am, am I?

Speaker 2: 40:18

This is Emily, yeah.

Speaker 1: 40:23

Yeah, no, absolutely. So, it really is more no matter who you are, what your background is. It is about focusing primarily on yourself and giving yourself grace wherever possible, because if you don't do that and you don't then allow yourself to take care of yourself first, then how can you possibly have the capacity to be able to look after anybody else in your life?

Speaker 2: 41:00

and you know in my book uh, the stress management for adult children of alcoholics um, I include every, every. I have 25 chapters in the book and every chapter I talk about the specific thing that maybe children who grew up in the environment may be struggling when the adults adults, for example seeking immediate gratification. In our society it's been taken as such a bad thing. But every chapter in the book I end to use this as a superpower, because I think when you grew up with something, use this as a tool for your future, use this as a tool for the people around you, and you know I have no patience because of that, maybe and I get shit done. I do not wait out, I just get it done.

Speaker 2: 41:50

And somebody who came from a dysfunctional family or just with some trauma, they are more resilient and they can show that resilience to to others. They can have more empathy towards others and grace, and I always invite everyone who's listening in, no matter where you came from. It's great that you experience that human experience and now let's just use this as a tool for you know, to improve your life and improve other people's lives yeah, absolutely, lulita.

Speaker 1: 42:22

Thank you so so much. Um, there's not really been much work for me to do today with you. You've been so generous and so giving and I've honestly really appreciate that, and I know that our listeners will as well. Anyone who's listening, whether it's yourself or you know somebody who's going through just a really, really, really bad time and maybe can't even sort of see any kind of light at the end of the tunnel and sort of see any kind of light at the end of the tunnel. I urge you to connect with Lolita at the very least. If you want to kind of get some more of her insights, then check out her books, because it's not just the one, because I have a note of stress management for adult children, of alcoholics, but that's not the only book that you've written correct and there's a crash stress while you work.

Speaker 2: 43:26

So it's specifically how to manage stress in the workplace that can be found on amazon as well yeah, brilliant.

Speaker 1: 43:34

Thank you, lolita. I always ask this question to every single guest. It kind of doesn't seem appropriate, but have you had fun today?

Speaker 2: 43:45

Yes, I was just listening to you and I thought to myself wow, I had such a great conversation, because with podcasters, usually they just ask questions and they never talk about themselves. They just ask questions and they never talk about themselves. And I was so um grateful that you spent this time and you were courageous enough to open yourself to the listeners and telling about your personal story too, and and you know especially those memories that can be very painful because it takes courage to open up, open yourself, and that was so much pleasure for me because now I know you more, uh and and yes, that made my day actually yeah, oh no, thank you.

Speaker 1: 44:24

That's what I try to. I've tried to do since day one on this show. It's all about honesty and you know I'm kind of known for being a no bs tailor in my day job, um, and I try to be consistent with that, you know, with what I'm doing here as well, because at the end of the day, whether I'm making clothes for people or, you know, having these conversations with wonderful people like you, it's all about trying to help people and to try and help them to just be better in life, because we're all struggling, no matter what it is that we're doing. You know, whether you're someone who's flying around in private jets, you know we know people. I've known people who seem to just have everything but then you know, in their deepest, darkest moments, they're struggling with addiction and so on, for various reasons, and and people who are like me and you, who've who've kind of been through that sort of thing as well. So you know, helping people is what I like to try and do and it's just so, it's just so amazing when I get a guest like you who's just so open, honest and just so giving and selfless as well. So thank you so so much and thank you all so much for joining lolita and I.

Speaker 1: 45:44

I will have all of her links in the show notes for you, um. So if you want to even just schedule a one-on-one with lolita, hit the link to her website, wwwbeamazingyoucom. She'd be, I know, more than happy to speak to you, no obligation. Thank you so much for joining us. Follow the show on Instagram at Taylor in Talk Podcast for the latest episode updates, highlights and news. The podcast is also available on YouTube at Roberta Revilla, london and you can email me at tailoringtalkpodcast at gmailcom. Hit, subscribe, give the show a rating and a review and click the share button in your player to send this episode on to someone you know who needs to hear what Lolita shared with us today. And if you love Tailoring Talk and want to support the show, you can hit the support the show link in the show notes. Have a great week, be good to each other and I'll catch you on the next one.